Need some help..its long just need some uplifting?

So I pretty much hate myself. My ex bf and i have been dating for 4 years but the last year has been so horrible...yet i cant seem to stay mad at him, He says horrible things to me like my name sounds like a prostitute..and that im a slut and all this really mean things. He gets bad if i dont reply in a good enough amount. I told him i would see him one day but my boss asked me to work. i accepted and he blew up and said some horrible things to me...Idk i cant seem to just let go of him, i end up missing the man i fell in love with in the first place. Then to make matters worse he harres me something horrible if i dont reply fast enough...After we lost our baby...he got even more verbally abusive. when i look in the mirror i hate what i see. I feel worthless and fat. i feel like such a failure...Its my fault the baby died i guess and idk what to do. I dont want to be on depressent pills but idk what else to do. maybe the fact that we had a baby together keeps me hooked on him..I just hate myself. I feel like life is over for me, nothing left to look forward too. i want to rip my hair out and kill him but at the same time do the same to myself...ughh wht do i do...am i really so bad...